ETV
by UnDeAdChIcK
Summary: Because their manager made them, the cast of Escaflowne star in their very first news cast. Who knows what will happen when the crew is supposed to be serious for one afternoon and talk about news? Let's just say that it's quite the experience.
1. The contract

ETV News

ETV News

Okay, this is my first attempt at humor… I give credit to all of the Humor Greats of fanfiction.net … many people out there, you know who you are ^_^

Okay, I've never done this before but I've got to do a disclaimer…

*Disclaimer* I do not own Escaflowne or anything of that sort. I do not own the news… but I feel that sometimes no news is good news. And I got some ideas from SNL (not really, but yeah)… and other humorous fan fics… And this came to me while I should have been dreaming…

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Their manager paced around the room, dealing with them was often very trying on his patience. Finally he threw his hands into the air. "It says on your contract that you are obligated to do something after your series ends… I own you for another 3 years!"

They all sweat-dropped. "That is hardly fair!" Van was losing his patience. "I am the king of Fanelia! I'm not doing any stupid newscast!"

"Sorry, King of Fanelia… you are still under obligation to do this!" the manager was losing his patience even worse than Van was.

Dilandau got an insane look on his face as he pulled out his flame-thrower. "I'll burn your contract!!! *Maniacal laughter*" Dilandau made some of the crazy faces that he tends to do sometimes.

"Read here," the manager showed Dilandau the contract.

"Folkie…" Dilandau whimpered.

"Fine," Folken got on his reading glasses. "It says: 'I Dilandau Albatou shall not in any way burn my manager or this contract. And if I do so, my flame-thrower will be destroyed.'"

Dilandau began to whimper again, and then proceeded to make puppy dog eyes. "That won't work on me. Now does anybody else have any arguments? Because I have lots more to this contract that you all signed too."

Not another word was heard from anyone. "Okay then," he handed everybody a piece of paper. "Now on here I have everyone's jobs. Now does anyone have any last minute changes to do before we get to the set?"

Everybody looked that their papers. The jobs went like this:

Millerna: weather girl

Hitomi: news anchor #2

Merle: camera #2

Folken: news anchor #1

Van: sports

Dilandau: camera #1

Dryden: director

Allen: news anchor #3

"And I will be the third camera," the manager explained. "Now any questions?"

"Um… don't you have to be a media-allergist to tell the weather?" Millerna asked, thoroughly confused.

The manager sweat-dropped. He began to answer when Dryden decided that it would be better to tell. "Well, since my intelligence is second to none… I guess I had better answer this question. A media-allergist does Claritin commercials, not the news."

Everyone except Dryden and Millerna did an anime fall. "No, you nitwit! It is meteorologist. Yes, except all you have to do is read off of the screen. It will tell you what to say," Folken easily tired of stupidity.

"Okay… interesting… now any other questions? Comments?" the manager didn't know why he even bothered.

"How come I'm not even on TV and Hitomi is? How come I'm stuck with the camera?!" Merle hissed.

"Okay, anything else?… Anybody?" the manager chose not to answer the last one.

"How are we hanging off of a boat and doing the news at the same time? In fact I refuse to… scuba gear messes up my hair!" protested Allen.

"Okay… I guess we are off to the studio then," the manager said…

Okay, tell me if I should post more… I think I have some much funnier ideas coming up… tell me what you think ^_^


	2. ETV News 36... the newscast

Part 2

Part 2

Okay, here's the long awaited Part 2… same disclaimer deal… Tell me if this is any good ^_^

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Their manager drove them to the studio, and one who knew what had happened along the way would have felt sorry for him. Hitomi had a vision and then fainted. Almost immediately afterwards Dilandau set the seat on fire, which set Allen's hair on fire. Luckily he was wearing flame-retardant hair gel, and it did little more than scorch the tips (which made him extremely angry because then he held his sword up to Dilandau's throat.) Millerna in the mean time was saying incredibly stupid things and flirting with everyone, even the manager. Merle was having Lord Van find her in the van, and clawing everyone's legs as she tried to find new hiding spots. Folken was about ready to inject poison into the manager's neck, when they finally got there. But the worst thing of all was Dryden's constant talking about how his intelligence was second to none.

The studio was tiny, but chances were that this was so that less damage would be done if Dilandau set it on fire. "Okay everyone, I trust that you all read the packets on what you are supposed to do while you're here," the manager said, although he knew that they probably didn't. They all stared blankly at him. The manager sweat-dropped.

"Well, you'll just have to fake it. And if ANYTHING goes wrong, it goes out of your paychecks… and I'll just have to find something even worse for you all to do. Is that understood?" the manager had lost his patience. Everyone sweat-dropped.

"Now, Hitomi, Folken, and Allen sit behind that table over there. Dilandau and Merle each grab a camera. And Van should sit behind that table on the right. And Millerna should stand by that blue screen on the left. Dryden will follow me and meet his crew. I said I'd be third camera, but it seems that since this studio is tiny, there is only room for two. NOW STAY OUT OF TROUBLE! We will be filming in 5 minutes. And this is live!" the manager ordered everybody around and then proceeded to show Dryden to the room behind the glass.

Soon the five minutes was up and it was time to start filming. "Welcome to ETV News 36: news, weather, and sports at 7:00. I'm Folken Strategos…" 

"And I'm Hitomi Kanzaki…"

Allen just sat there picking his nose. Suddenly Hitomi kicked him in the leg. Allen stood up. "Hey what do you think you're doing!" he shouted, forgetting that he was yelling at a girl on TV.

"You idiot. We are on TV, and it's your line. Read off of the screen," Folken harshly whispered to him.

"Oh… and I'm an alien spaceship," Allen added.

Another swift kick in the shin. "That's Allen Schezar," Hitomi whispered out of the side of her mouth.

"Yeah, that too," Allen added grinning stupidly. Everyone in the studio did an anime fall, except Millerna and Allen (Millerna thought that it was cute.) But this caused 

the cameras to all point to the ground. Dryden (well, actually the manager) ordered a technical difficulty screen to come up. 

The manager came out to yell at them. "Only the first statement and already you screw up? WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS?" 

"It's okay, Mr. Manager man. We still love you," Millerna fluttered her eyelashes.

The manager sweat-dropped. "Okay, I don't even want to take the time to try to do this kind of show again. Just know that you are going to have to do another show… oh, yes… fun, fun, fun," he rubbed his hands together evilly. Now it was time for everybody else to sweat-drop.

Finally Dryden started doing his job. "Okay, we're going to be back on in 5… 4…3…4…5…3…2…1…" 

"It's now 7:10. Now with today's top news story… Prince Chid announced that Freid is holding a parade in honor of their new found freedom from the alliance with Zaibach," Folken said.

"Yes, it seems that since the death of Dornkirk, Zaibach has become a peaceful country," Hitomi added.

"This means that they will not hold the all…i…ance," Allen sounded out, "to be in full effect and have now returned the sword to Freid."

"And now for the weather with Millerna Aston," Hitomi said.

Merle skillfully turned the camera towards Millerna, however a cat hair had gotten onto the lens. She then had to wipe it off with her paw, which just ended up smudging it. "Oops," she muttered.

"Good afternoon, it seems that today the sky will be blue… in fact all of Gaea appears to be a blue rectangle," Millerna said, staring at the blue screen.

Dilandau left his camera and handed Millerna a card, which he lit on fire. "Just a second," she said, "It seems that I've gotten an important news flash." She read on. "It seems that I've been looking at the blue screen instead of the TV… I'm a… what's that word, Folken?" she walked over to him and held it up.

"It appears to be dumbass, but I can't tell since most of it has burned off," he harshly told her.

"Oh! Oh! The card is on fire!" Millerna started stomping on the card in her high heels.

"Do not fear! 'Tis my duty as a knight, no a man to save you from that fire!" Allen walked over and started stomping on it too. This caused a spark to fly up and catch his hair. "My hair! MY HAIR!" Allen started running around and screaming.

Millerna ripped off Folken's cloak. "Unhand my cloak at once, you stupid wench!" Folken demanded. Millerna ignored his order and put out the fire with the cloak. She then ran over to Allen and started beating his head with the cloak. Soon both fires were out, although Allen was rather cross, and Folken's cloak was ruined.

"Okay," Millerna went back over to the blue screen and looked at the TV. "Well, it seems that this gray swirly thing is moving towards that brown thing surrounded by that blue stuff…" 

Folken interrupted her. "And now for sports with Van Fanel."

Van looked surprised by this sudden turn of events, and thus he forgot to read off of the screen and made up his own stories. "In a guymelef match, Van Fanel (King of Fanelia) single-handedly defeated three bounty hunters… this feat amazed King Aston of Asturia… Now for dragon slaying. Lord Van Fanel of Fanelia defeated a land dragon, and thus completed the act of dragon slaying in order to become King of Fanelia. Some critics say that the dragon would have killed him if it weren't for a vision by Hitomi Kanzaki. But I disagree… sure, Van Fanel loves Hitomi Kanzaki…" Hitomi began to blush, "but she isn't a dragon slayer. The dragon was killed because of Van Fanel's bravery… not some cocky schoolgirl's vision… Oh, and another story… Folken chickened out of the right of dragon slaying, apparently it was too hard for him and ripped his little arm off…"

Hitomi got up and slapped Van because of what he said about her. Folken gritted his teeth and said, "And now for some more relevant news stories."

"Um… there was a big fire on a floating fortress as it crashed…" Allen started.

At the word "fire" Dilandau began to drool. He then took his flame-thrower out from behind him and lit the camera on fire. "BURN! BURN! BURN! YES, THAT'S IT!" he started screaming.

"Run for your lives!" Dryden shouted and he was the first out of the building. Millerna grabbed the cloak again and started beating at the camera. 

"Millerna!" Allen threw up his arms and ran for her. He then picked her up and took her out of the building.

"Allen! What are you doing! I wanted to put out that fire!" Millerna started screaming and pounding her fists on his back.

Allen kissed her and she stopped her protests. 

Hitomi, Van, Folken, Merle, Dilandau, and their manager were still inside of the building. Hitomi fainted because of her intake of smoke. Since Folken was the closest to her, he caught her and went to carry her outside. Suddenly he was interrupted by a voice. "Brother! What do you think you are doing with her?" Van demanded.

"What do you think I'm doing? It is obvious that she needs fresh air, so I'm taking her outside," Folken was irritated by his stupid question.

"Unhand my girlfriend!" Van demanded. Then a voice caught his attention. 

"Save me Lord Van, save me!" Merle then jumped into his arms. So it turned out that Folken would carry Hitomi, and Van would carry Merle.

The manager was getting very tired of this. He began to use Folken's cloak to beat out the flames, but it seemed to do little good. "Come on, Dilandau!" he said, dropping the cloak.

Dilandau began to make puppy dog eyes, and start whimpering. "Come on!" the manager grabbed Dilandau's hand and dragged him outside. Dilandau had just enough time to grab his flame-thrower and Folken's cloak before he was dragged outside.

"Here you go, Strategos," Dilandau said as he tossed him his cloak. Then Dilandau sat down and was completely captivated by the sight of the building burning down.

Folken just stared at what was left of his charred cloak. "YOU ARE ALL GOING TO HAVE TO PAY FOR WHAT YOU DID TO THE STUDIO! IN FACT, I'M GOING TO BOOK YOU FOR A WEEK- NO, A **MONTH **OF SHOWS TO MAKE UP FOR WHAT YOU DID TODAY!" the manager yelled. Then he sniffed, "What smells like burnt polyester?" he asked.

"Your hair is on fire! I'll put it out!" Merle then grabbed Folken's cloak from his hands and beat out the fire, which knocked the toupee on the ground. "Oops…" she muttered.

"Yes, you are all going to pay!" the manager was seething.

"Well, I learned something today!" Millerna suddenly exclaimed.

Folken dully asked, "What could you possibly have learned?"

"That I don't want to be a… media-allergist!" she responded cheerfully.

Everyone did an anime fall.

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So what did you all think? If you peeps liked it, this could be a beginning of a series of TV shows for the gang… I've got some pretty funny ideas… ^_^


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